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Kingdom Harassment? #MeToo

By now, you’ve probably seen the #MeToo hashtag. And maybe you’ve been surprised at how many teenagers and adults you know are using it to publicly acknowledge sexual assault or harassment. The hashtag emerged after multiple actresses came forward to expose the predatory patterns of powerful Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. The revelations have triggered a massive confession of hidden scars from women and men alike.

Have you ever felt that way on a Kingdom level?

[tweet_dis]Have you ever felt spiritually violated by a leader or superior?[/tweet_dis]

As a youth worker, you probably serve under some type of authority, whether it’s a senior pastor, ministry director, or board of elders. When a church is healthy and leadership is humble, a special synergy and care inspire you to pursue your calling.

But when someone uses their position to manipulate you, your job and soul can feel violated. Perhaps you know someone who, for this very reason, is considering leaving church work to get a secular job. Maybe you’re one of them.

Commenting on her interactions with Weinstein, Oscar-winning actress Lupita Nyong’o said, “I was entering into a business where the intimate is often professional, and so the lines are blurred. … He was definitely a bully, but he could be really charming, which was disarming and confusing.”

Could something similar be said about a ministry leader who harassed you professionally or personally?

I once served under someone who charmed the congregation by growing attendance while privately making daily life difficult for the staff. He’d get each of us alone and boast, “I helped us grow five percent this week. You’d better match that in your area, or else you’re out of here.”

At another church, a senior pastor told me not to attend a youth trip he’d planned, only to chastise me afterward for not going. “If you were a real youth worker, nothing I said would’ve stopped you from coming,” he said.

Here’s what I didn’t realize at the time: Working under each of these leaders took my focus off of God’s Kingdom and put it onto keeping my job. I wasn’t sharp enough to contend with the mind games, so I caved in. “Maybe I need to do some silly things to increase attendance,” I reasoned. “Maybe I’m not a decent youth worker after all.” Because my leaders’ insecurities inspired insecurity in me, I unknowingly hurt others along the way.

My stories may be unique, but the essence of what I’m sharing probably isn’t. As we work with people and their souls, we regularly wrestle with a blurry line of what it means to be professional without losing ourselves personally. As hired or appointed youth workers, it’s completely appropriate for leadership to hold us accountable to values and standards that prompt us to be more effective.

Yes, sometimes we deal with bullies who charm our churches into not seeing what we see. Most of the time, though, we’re just serving alongside imperfect people who (like us) are trying to give their best.

Here’s my two cents:
  • When you feel stuck, ask “What do you mean?” This simple question works best if you ask it a few times in a row. Doing so causes people to move past their words to what they’re really thinking. It also keeps you from appearing defensive or offensive while revealing if others are.
  • When you feel violated, follow Matthew 18 with context. [tweet_dis]It’s not a sin if someone does something you don’t like or leads in a way you wouldn’t.[/tweet_dis] You don’t need to confront these things or involve others. Reserve those steps for when a clear sin has occurred—and then focus only on the sin, not on any personality conflicts.
  • When you feel scarred, remember the scars of Jesus. Like your Savior, at times you’ll take a hit for the church. And at times you may need to overturn tables when something holy has been desecrated. Knowing the difference takes Jesus himself, so stay rooted in him on your best and worst days.
  • When you feel alone, remember that you aren’t. Simply Youth Ministry is a network of youth workers who “get it.” Look for peers near you and take advantage of the next regional conference. Or post your story here, and we can look for Jesus together.

What’s your story?

4 thoughts on “Kingdom Harassment? #MeToo

  1. This is a good article which points out that leaders can abuse their position in power in ways other than sexual abuse. In every case, It is also true that there are many levels of abuse. Often abusive leaders should certainly be removed from their position. But in some cases confrontation can lead to repentance and transformation before it gets to the point. I’ve seen example of both. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you, Mark. I believe you’re spot on – we are all capable of not only receiving this but also dishing it out. My hope is we recognize both and get healthier for it. Blessings!

  2. The last church I worked at definitely did this to me. They finally ended up saying I had one month to double youth group attendance otherwise they would fire me. After 2 weeks, they fired me (even though the attendance was in fact growing). Lots of the leadership reached out to me to let me know they didn’t agree, but that the chairman of the board had a personality that was difficult to disagree with, so in the end it was really only his decision. This all happened while my wife was 7 months pregnant with our second daughter, leaving me without unemployment pay and leaving my wife on unpaid maternity leave. Because I couldn’t risk this again for my family, I did end up leaving the ministry and became an actuary. There are still politics in corporate America, but it feels so much less personal, and no one can tell me I can’t attend my church anymore or rely on my church family for support if my job is in jeopardy. I have found people in corporate America are much more respectful of my faith than as an employee of the church. I have chosen to volunteer at the church I attend now, and it is the perfect set up for me! That’s my story.

    • Hi Chris, I’m so sorry you have been wounded like this. I have as well. If you have a moment, I hope what I wrote here can serve you:

      In the meantime, I’m pausing to pray right now for your heart, your wife and family. Thank you for being the best you that you know how to be for the sake of the Kingdom. May God keep working in you and through you. Praise Him for His amazing-yet-flawed-yet-beautiful-yet-scarred-yet-healing-yet-imperfect Church.

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Kingdom Harassment? #MeToo

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