You’ve been there: you need to initiate a confrontation and you feel like you’ve swallowed an anchor.
Every leader will face confrontation because it’s impossible to please everyone and your decisions will be ticking people off. No one is perfect, and your leadership will lead to mistakes and misunderstandings.
There is an upside to confrontation: growth is birthed in conflict that can’t be born anywhere else. Ministries are strengthened and wisdom is gained on the other side of conflict.
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Criticism can be tough to accept, but sometimes it’s valid.
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When a leader needs to confront, there are typically two automatic responses–they are both very different, yet both can have disastrous consequences. Some people are more inclined to implode (avoid and stuff their feelings within–wounding ones self), others are more inclined to explode (instant reaction–wounding others). Fortunately for you, the two of us happen to know each response very well, but we’ll keep it a secret as to who is who (if you listened to our podcast you’d know immediately who is who).
It’s a mistake to take an all or nothing approach to conflict: to always implode or explode will only multiply problems and limit your influence. Each situation is different and ought to be handled with prayer, self-control, and wisdom.
Make it your goal to share your perspective in a way that will most likely be heard. Confrontation doesn’t need to be a battle and ought to result in a positive change. Where confrontation gets ugly is when it’s just about sharing your opinions and getting it “off your chest.” That response should be saved for your journal, best friend, or mom.
A leader who needs to confront ought to do a little preparation before having the difficult conversation. Do the necessary heart work on yourself first, so your conversation comes from a pure heart. Don’t hide or bury your hurt, but don’t speak out of bitterness or anger either. At the root, confrontation ought to come from a caring and compassionate heart. When others see this, you forge a stronger bond.
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Criticism can be tough to accept, but sometimes it’s valid.
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Go one on one. A conversation is always better than an email! When in doubt go, personal…don’t hide behind an email. Talking face to face allows the other person to read your body language, hear tone, and respond immediately. Sure, it’s easier to type an email, but it’s a weak form and poor form of confrontation.
Be direct. Clearly identify the problems and some possible solutions. Speaking in generalities typically results in confusion. If a leader needs correction, give specific examples and offer explicit alternatives.
Be gentle. You don’t need to always bring the hammer! Confront in the way you would want to be confronted. Speak the truth in love, with gentleness and respect.