Below is excerpt of an email one mom sent to another. Both mom’s are walking the journey of raising a gay child. I thought what my friend shared with this particular mom was info more moms and dads need to read. So with her permission, here is some great insight and advice:
“I completely understand what you are and have been going through with your daughter. My only biological son, who is now 19-years-old, was my perfect child. He was handsome, popular, a straight A student and the head of the National Honor Society in high school. He considers himself a homosexual, and he has gender identity issues. I was devastated when he was 12-years-old and I first realized that he was searching for gay porn online. I can’t even begin to tell you how devastating it was when he was 16 to realize he was filming his make-up transformations into a woman and posting them on YouTube. I was horrified when he was 17 and he started wearing makeup and carrying a purse to church. It was heartbreaking when he was 18 and started growing long hair and nails and he introduced me to his first boyfriend. By the time he dropped out of college and enrolled in cosmetology school, nothing really shocked me anymore. I had learned to accept him and to trust God with my son’s life and afterlife. At this point, I am grateful that my son is learning a trade in an industry that is less likely to discriminate against him so that he will always be able to make a living. So many transgender men I have met are not so fortunate and their stories are heartbreaking.
Here are some basics from one mother’s heart to another:
Your daughter is always your daughter. Celebrate the joy she brings to your life and the amazing gifts and talents the Lord has given her. Shower your love upon her, not because she deserves it, but because she is your daughter and she is a treasure beyond worth. As she matures, you will have to set some firm boundaries, but make the decision now that nothing will ever shake your love for her.
Remind yourself that you did not cause the attractions that your daughter has had or may still have for the same sex.
You cannot change your daughter’s feelings. You can only try to protect her from danger and from predators. Filter/limit internet & phone usage and limit her TV viewing habits to be age appropriate, as you would with any child.
Your daughter probably did not choose these attractions. If she could get rid of them for your sake, she probably would. They are not easy to live with and I imagine that it is painful to hide something this big from your parents. If your daughter is hiding her true feelings from you, it is not to be deceitful, but to protect your feelings.
Focus on improving your relationship with your daughter and don’t discuss the subject of same sex attractions unless she starts the conversation.
I completely understand that desperate desire to find someone who can fix your child. Unfortunately, she is not broken, she is sinful just like every other person on earth. A counselor cannot change your daughter’s feelings and the wrong counselor will reinforce them. Seek clear guidance from the Lord before getting counseling. Answering the following questions may help you determine if you have a good reason for seeking help from a qualified Christian counselor:
Does your daughter need counseling because she is depressed, suicidal, violent, or acting out beyond normal teenage rebellion? Has your daughter requested counseling to help her understand or resist her same sex attractions? Would counseling help you to have a better relationship with your daughter–regardless of her sexual attractions?
God loves your daughter even more than you do. You can trust God with every part of your daughter’s life. He wants her to love Him above everyone and everything else in the world!
Focus on holiness rather than homosexuality. This can be a catalyst to plunge you into deeper faith and relationship with your wonderful Savior.
Put down [her] diary. It will only put a greater wedge between you and your daughter as it drives you more and more nuts. It is your choice to either focus on your daughter’s sinful desires or to focus on Christ’s love and mercy for sinners. He died for all of our sins. All sin is sinful. We all sin. Lying and gossiping is just as sinful as sexual sins. No one can measure up to God’s standards of perfection. If we could have been “good enough” to enter Heaven, Jesus would not have had to be tortured and nailed to the cross.
I am not saying this to excuse your daughter’s sin, but only to put it in proper perspective. You cannot control anyone’s sin except your own. Are there areas in your life that you will not surrender to God? Are you harboring any bitterness or unforgiveness? Do you have any unresolved relational issues with your husband, parents, or other important people in your life? Ask the Lord to reveal anything that is not pleasing to Him and to help you on the path to holiness. I pray He will put loving and mature Christians in your path to help you through this process.
No matter what happens, TRUST GOD.
My relationship with my son has improved dramatically since we began this journey. I have had to set firm boundaries in my house, but I understand that I cannot control his thoughts, feelings, or behavior beyond the household rules. I trust that the Lord is writing my son’s testimony and I look forward to that day when my boy will embrace Christ’s love, forgiveness, and mercy. It is my prayer that his testimony will bring many others like Him to the foot of the cross. In the meantime, I truly enjoy my son’s company. This past weekend my son teased me and said he still has some secrets that he hasn’t told me. I laughed and thanked him for keeping them to himself.
I hope this helps and I hope to hear from you soon.”
What do you think of this letter?
Shawn / @611pulse