So many of the youth workers I meet today are struggling with their own family communication issues. I thought I would dedicate this month to focusing on your family, if you are married and have children, and if you are not married with children, feel free to pass this brief article along to any of the parents of students in your youth group.
When it comes down to it, the healthier the family, the more effective the communication
Admitting your mistakes clears the channels for real communication and removes barriers that may be building up. Admitting mistakes promotes sharing and oftentimes creates warmth and understanding.
One of the primary problems of any dysfunctional family is lack of quality communication. Communication is behavior. It's an action word. It never stops. Communication is the means and not always only the goal. Communication is more about the interaction than the outcome. You can win the battle and lose the war in communication all the time.
When communication fails in a family, it is usually not because of the content but rather the relationship. I always smile when I ask couples in premarital counseling, “How well do you communicate?” No one has ever said, “Horribly!” They usually respond to me by saying that they can tell each other “everything” or that they can talk for hours. One year after they are married I always invite them back for a conversation. Invariably, the couple says, “Our number one problem is communication.”
A study was conducted at Michigan State University on communication between teenagers and parents. Dr. Gordon Sabine measured the responses of three thousand teenagers and their parents. The bottom line was that 79 percent of the parents interviewed thought they were communicating with their teenagers, but 81 percent of the teenagers said that their parents were not communicating with them. Communication is about perception.
Most of us didn't grow up with very good role models for communication, and if we don't learn helpful tools, we will pass on poor communication skills to our children. If our parents used shame-based parenting, we will lean in the same direction. If our parents tried the “high-volume solution,” we will find ourselves doing the same thing when we are desperate. If sarcasm was a part of your family growing up, the odds are, you will need to work harder not to make this one of your communication killers with your spouse and children.
Here are some communication strategies that I have found work to build healthy communication and relationships within families:
- Actively listen. Listening is the language of love. Listening communicates value, significance and worth. Good listening skills include:
- giving a person your undivided attention
- looking past the content of the words, taking notice of tone and body language
- maintaining an accepting and open attitude
- reflective and respectful questioning to help clarify your understanding
- appropriate verbal responses to what is being communicated (i.e. not giving a blank stare, but replying – even if it is something like “I'm not sure what I think about that.”)
- Learn and use love languages. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book entitled The Five Love Languages which he has identified as 1) Words of affirmation; 2) Quality time; 3) Receiving gifts; 4) Acts of service; and 5) Physical touch. Chapman says that most of us have a primary love language and perhaps a strong secondary love language that we prefer – although all of them can be important to good communication and relationship. Knowing, understanding and using the love languages that your spouse and children prefer will help build strong family relationships.
- Communicate honesty and integrity. You don't have to be perfect, but kids don't want to follow the leadership of a hypocrite either. The parent who tries to come across as perfect is making a big mistake. Believe it or not, apologies improve communication. Let your children know you are human. Admit your mistakes and take the perfection pressure off. Admitting your mistakes clears the channels for real communication and removes barriers that may be building up. Admitting mistakes promotes sharing and oftentimes creates warmth and understanding.
- Healthy communication takes time. I disagree with the parenting specialists who say that if you can't give your kids a quantity of time, then give them quality time. I think your kids deserve both. I find that my finest discussions with my own children come during the quantity times, not the so-called quality times. I'll be driving one of the kids someplace and–bingo!–the conversation goes to a very important topic. I just slow the car down and get in as much time as possible.
- Work through conflicts. Conflict can either be a path to communication blockage and unloving behavior, or it can be a path to deeper communication, greater understanding, and loving behavior. When there is conflict, the natural inclination for parents and their children is to get defensive and closed with intent to protect. In the short haul, it may be easier to handle conflict this way. However there is a better way. The better way is to try our best to avoid being defensive and being open to learn. With this in mind we must assume responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors and consequences. Working through the conflict takes greater emotional involvement, but it is the loving way to care for yourself as well as your child.
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