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10 Ways to Transform Your Marriage

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By Jim Burns
8/23/2007

Cathy and I are looking forward to speaking at the YS Conventions this year on the Ministry and Marriage. Ministry isn’t easy and neither is marriage. When you combine them, it sometimes puts even a solid relationship in jeopardy
Nurture spiritual growth. Start by praying daily for your spouse and your relationship. Besides attending worship services together, develop a regular time to practice spiritual disciplines such as devotions, bible study, prayer, and reading.
I don’t want to sound overly simplistic but here are my ten top ways to transform your marriage.
  1. Adjust your attitude. You might not be able to change your spouse, but you can change yourself.

  2. Show affection and warmth. Simple gestures can change your spouse’s mood and the atmosphere in your home.

  3. Offer encouragement. It takes nine affirming comments to make up for one critical comment. If you are like most people, you owe your spouse a boatload of encouragement. Watch for opportunities to give your husband or wife an affirming word.

  4. Give sexual intimacy the time and attention it deserves. Too tired to work on this?

    5. Then your priorities are in the wrong place. Find at least two hours per week to spend on romance and intimacy. And flirt with your spouse—remind him or her that you’re attracted to them.

  5. Make friends with your spouse. The basic principles of friendship apply to marriage, too: friends tend to have more patience with each other; they extend grace, forgiveness and kindness towards one another; and they have fun together.

  6. Schedule (yes, schedule!) more fun in your marriage. Look for creative date ideas—don’t just go out for dinner and a movie. Your willingness to put some thought into enjoyable, out-of the-ordinary things to do together will speak volumes to your spouse.

  7. Practice “thank therapy.” Sit down today and list at least twenty reasons why you are grateful for your spouse.

  8. Accept that not all problems are resolvable. Some problems will always be in our lives in one form or another. Find a workable solution you can both live with.

  9. Nurture spiritual growth. Start by praying daily for your spouse and your relationship. Besides attending worship services together, develop a regular time to practice spiritual disciplines such as devotions, bible study, prayer, and reading.

  10. Review and renew your marriage vows. Vow renewal ceremonies are often more meaningful than the wedding. Reviewing and renewing your vows will move you toward spiritual intimacy—as you read over your vows, you will be surprised to see how often the AWE factor is present in the words, symbols and the ceremony itself.

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Dear Jim, I am a 28 year old female who found your article very informative. Firstly I would like you to know that I am not a Christian( why do I feel so ashamed admitting it?) and am going through a difficult time in my 7 year relationship with a Muslim. I was saved, but could not live with my double- standards, I mena, how can I go on and still be unequally yoked, so I chose my relationship above that of my Chrsitian life. The thing is, I know that in order for God's will to take place I need to let go and stop trying to fix things, but it's so hard for me. I feel as if everything is wrong and the problem is I know where to go to, but still, I don't know how to get back to a place where i can give it all to jesus. I guess what I'm saying is that I need prayer, for myself, my 4-year old son and my boyfriend

Candice 12:11:24am on 11/05/2007

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Dear Jim, Thank you for the ten ways to transform your marriage. What worked well for my husband and me is that we try to take about an hour every week to share what is happening to each one. Often we talk about what's bothering to him and me at the work place, problems that need to be brought to our attentions about parenting, any misunderstanding or hurts that did occur between us as well as joy and blessings we have experienced during the week. Our lives are busy and we do not take time to sit down to work out "problems" before they get bigger. One time in one of those communication times, my husband gently, honestly and objectively confronted me for something I did and which bothered him. I appreciated his comment. What we want is to develop a healthy and loving relationship and I am so pleased that our marriage is richer and grew more since he took courage to confront me at that time.

Yuri Ando 9:11:37am on 11/03/2007

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I whole-heartedly agree with you,Gwyn. May I add some blessings from my own experience that enriched our marriage: 1) First of all there is a priority need to check your spiritual maturity. (Many have the wrong notion that they are mature Christians) 2) My parent-in-laws keep on praying for us. (especially for me, because I was a nominal Christian before - engaged with pornography and many other vices.) 3) If, you are a husband, take time to brew coffee for your wife. Wake up your wife with the sweet aroma of a brewed coffee that is made more aromatic with your personal touch very early in the morning.

Ti Igorot 4:11:52am on 11/02/2007

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Gwyn, This is an issue that I must say can not go on unresolved. My husband and I have dealt with pornography in our life and He has come leaps and bounds from where he was a year ago. Your husband needs to find someone (a strong christian man) who will walk beside him in this struggle and help him to overcome. This is an addiction and an addiction that MANY men deal with--you would be surprised if you knew how many men in the church struggle with this problem. Pornography is everywhere and a huge problem. Please try to discuss this with your husband and seek some support for yourself as well. I will pray for you.

Reb 3:11:06pm on 11/01/2007

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I have read over the 10 ways to transform your marriage and agree whole-heartedly with you, but sometimes it is really hard to accept that not all problems are resolvable. I mention this because my husband and I have been going through a rough time off and on for years. He seems to "need" other women in his life. He promises there has been no physical affairs. I am smart enough to know though that any relationship with the opposite sex outside of the marraige can lead to something more. The other issue is that of pornography. My husband and I went through his movies and destroyed them in August - he had told me all of them were gone but I found two he was hiding. I destroyed these as soon as I found them. I learned this past week by going into our computer hard drive that he ordered two more porn movies while I was on a business trip last week and had them shipped 2nd day air so that I would not be home when they arrived. The fact that he resorts to porn is not acceptable to me - we have a sex life that leaves a lot to be desired. He would rather watch his porn and, to be blunt, take care of his needs that way rather than be intiment/have sex with me. I am not an unattractive woman, maybe 10 lbs over the weight he would like for me to be, but definitely not obese. He cannot stand for another man to speak to me. He becomes very jealous if anyone pays even a little bit of attention to me. Why does he prefer porn over me and way should I have to accept that some things cannot be resolved?

Gwyn 2:11:09pm on 11/01/2007

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